I once again have submitted my two weeks without having work lined up. I felt to become aware that a piece of me felt dead. I still have thoughts, though my passion is dried up. I find it’s difficult for me to stay passionate around areas I truly care about while entrenched in an environment that harbors the stain of evolution’s past (toxic individualism). I believe this is because I reject and resent the information I am around all day. I must respect this as I know I am here for a purpose. And perhaps it is not so much the information as it is the system it represents and the voice leading it. I find both to be ultimately unproductive for the continued evolution of humanity, which is what I care about.

I think listening to music voluntarily for the first time in a few years inspired me to put in my two weeks. I will not say the name of the artist, because I prefer to remain brandless in the modern day, and I do not wish for people to know my identity. If I were to say who I listen to, wouldn’t I be revealing an intent or desire to manufacture you? Is it not better to say I happened across music that led me to feel inspired? Not indicate you should feel inspired by that which inspires me? Must an elevated voice only by defined by ego identity? An admission of being defined by this label, this brand, this artist. They do not have authority over me – I am not them – I am J. And so I will only reveal only those voices from the past which speak to me. As their impact is now fixed and I am more secure in my support of what they left for the future. To represent a modern day voice would be to pledge loyalty, and that seems unwise, given I cannot control the actions of others.

I notice this job working as a small business coach has put me in a place of rejecting learning because I resent and reject so intensely the voice and presentation of the information I’m exposed to, and thus I have become disheartened by my learning environment. The learning environment being understood as life and it’s inputs. It’s had psychological impact on me, and were I to stay, I would continue to create a psyche that protects itself from harm and thus shuts itself off from intellectual development because it feels threatened by the influence of the surrounding contexts.

I believe what we expose ourselves to, we become. I don’t want to be a commission salesperson for a product that I don’t believe creates the change I want to see in the world.

As a result of this personal determination, I really would like to get either the night auditor or night manager position for which I have submitted applications. Once I secure work, I want to use the money I was able to save to pay off my loan, and thus lower my monthly costs. The lower my monthly costs at this phase in my life, the more time I will have free to create. Then, perhaps, as a result of my creation I will still be making enough to start saving again and advance other areas of my life.

Inspired by Thoreau’s Walden, here is my monthly cost:

900 rent (potentially variable)
~300 (utilities phone and internet)
250 (groceries)
485 (student loans)
400 (else)
2335 (total, with private loan)

Now if I receive new work without having to rely on my savings for security, I will be able to pay off my private student loan, and my monthly cost will look as such:

900 rent (potentially variable)
~300 (utilities phone and internet)
250 (groceries)
185 (student loans)
400 (else)
2035 (total, without private loan)

The reduction in 300 feels fairly significant at this stage in my life, as I would be able to save money every month. I then came to consider how I love money, I really love money, and I would like to have a significant sum of it in my life that allows me to live comfortably, travel, and invest in growing my impact in this world. I had a thought about homeless (future housed) people. I thought about how I haven’t been able to give to those less fortunate than me in any routine or systematic way because I have been working on preserving myself and growing my own stability. To contribute in this way before being ready would connect me to toxic empathy before I learn how to consider myself, and only myself, before I think of anyone else. A lack of such boundaries in the past led me to places of being exploited by others and disadvantaging myself and my ability to go through life dominantly. This externally perceived selfishness and internally perceived empowerment should be considered a structural human right – that is, allowing those coming out of intense struggle to have the right to learn selfishness. I do not believe any individual should be required to contribute their identity to a group because of their status in life. Every individual should have the right to know how it feels to go through life selfishly, so that they can learn their boundaries and preferences and enforce themselves fearlessly. Building boundaries from the bottom up is the path to global equality.

Given my development so far, I have a desire to include in my monthly personal investment fund giving money to those less fortunate than I at this stage in evolutionary development (that is, pre-global equality). As such, I attract some level of security for myself, as planning for these funds each month mentally secures my stability, as I require I have enough to at least give away some to those who would benefit. This could include some dollars to those I see around, or dropping a fat roach on the sidewalk. In either scenario, someone who I want to benefit will benefit. And this sum, at this stage in my life, can round out to 10.

10 (giving)
2345 (total, with private loan)
2045 (total, without private loan)

I would like to see how the incorporation of giving into my monthly personal investment fund consideration creates more wealth for me in my life.