There’s a bubble of doubt that enshrouds and projects as irresponsible arrogance for the act of resigning without having another job secured, and also recognizing yourself as someone that has a difficult time focusing. This arrogant act holds more vulnerability to this internal judgment when the one taking the action isn’t sitting a top a mountain of hoarded comfort. I am brave for standing up for myself and my worth given my position in society. Were I to wait until I had a hoarded mountain of wealth to support me before walking away from the corruption of this role, who would I be?

I want a job as a hotel night auditor, or some other quiet, down-to-earth, and sedentary role. I received a rejection just yesterday. This doesn’t mean I am going to reverse my decision to leave my current job. It means I know one will come through for me, because I deserve it, and I deserve that space to create without the conscious clogging of poison doctrine, that is the language and ethics that make up the service provided by my current position. My position for one more month. This reasoning is why I can look at the doubt and say I am worth standing up for, and I do not have to continue working in a job that drains my strategic and creative thought power, as well as numbs my ability to believe. It distracts my belief from focusing on my power, impact, and potential to contribute – this is because I am so busy building someone else’s ideas and goals up, while going through a continuous dance of ethics within my own being. I am willing to sacrifice some level of financial comfort in order to get away and have the time and space to focus entirely on me and development of my impact.

The courage to stand up for myself, the courage to be disliked, is a bold move against the scared and valid version of me that says I am unwise and irresponsible for sacrificing such a comfort with nothing lined up. It says I must be ungrateful. It says ‘it isn’t time’ – and I say back: ‘when will it ever be time?’ 

It is a valid and programmed response to a bold move without having a plan. Without having the security of materialization of the plan. I do have a plan, though: work as a night auditor. It is simply a matter of finding the hotel that will hire me. I am not childish – I am taking a calculated risk. I believe the universe conspires in my favor, and I believe I am making a decision I typically wouldn’t make in life, and that’s exactly why I’m making it. If I end up homeless and punished, then that’s what happens – validating that fear is the only action that would stop me from doing this kindness for myself. Leaving a job that makes me numb and continues to create impact through the self-interested manufacturing of small businesses into urgent exploiters of individual’s predisposition to consumption and status to gain their own survival security. I don’t believe this is how business should operate, and I do not want to receive a commission paycheck for helping people succeed in this way of life. I would simply be creating more of the world I don’t want to see. I’ve gathered my exposure, and now it is time for me to step away, so I can stay true to myself.

What the doubt tells me, though, is that I don’t have a plan. Does that mean I am doomed? No, it means I genuinely felt myself dying at that other job. If that’s the case, I can reason there has to be something else out there for me. I believe I will be grateful no matter what job I have, because I am grateful to have an apartment and to live inside. This is a great blessing of the modern day.

I feel like it could be easy to say ‘I’m undercover’ to continue reaping the rewards of an ethical contradiction until I come to determine my own worth and realize an impact is being made, and I’m not nearly as small as that role, or any role, would have me believe. I admit I am self-righteous in defense of my ethics. All I ask for in return is a job as a hotel night auditor. Or somewhere I can sit quietly and make enough money to survive while I pursue else. I’ve proven to myself I can survive on a peanut butter sandwich, maybe a banana, and I’d love some chips.

I can feel the validity that some of me resents this being the path, as I don’t want to sacrifice some comfort. Why would I sacrifice money? Because I can see what that kind of money asks from me. It asks me to change who I am in order to receive it. I would have no issue receiving payment for a service if I believed in the service. I will go even further to say I would likely not have issue asking for payment for a service if I believed in the service. I sacrifice this money and sacrifice the comfort of going out to eat and buying dispensary weed and going to museums all so that I have the opportunity to make money the way I want to make money: through creating a reflection of myself in the world, not someone else.

Want to support my writing? https://buymeacoffee.com/jglobalequality