Is my trauma stopping me from achieving my goals? Stopping me from embracing accountability?

I observe my unique trauma and come to ask: has this created a psychological block around accountability? My rejection of continued, active involvement with a structured support group program that assists with accountability is because of stored trauma. Because of this rejection, some unconscious part of me could have received the impression that I reject all aspects of that group and all they stand for, which would theoretically include accountability. It could reverberate internally in such a way that registers as defiance around accountability, generally, when my rejection is an act of self-protection for my sensitivity and discomfort with the outdated structure of self-development nestled into the doctrine of that group. I am unsure the extent to which this could be an actual materialization in my psyche; however, in the event that it is somewhat responsible for my lack of organized effort, I want to take the action needed to reduce and deprogram its influence on my daily operations. I want to feel it alive and a driving influence in my waking life: accountability for achieving my goals. The most immediate action I see as relevant is getting my conscious state in the mindset of seeing the value and utility in consistently and systematically taking action toward my goals, of demonstrating that I value accountability.

My fear is that there could be some programmed loop within that manifests as vengeful punishment that disallows me from ever being productive or achieving my goals because I chose to not heal myself in the way broader society and my mother would like. I chose myself and my comfort over what that group offered me in terms of recommendations for self-programming and obligation for lifetime involvement. I welcome accountability into my life, as well as humility. I reject arrogance and welcome confidence.

I think of how I could reject aspects of that group that show up in my surrounding life because I fear it could be my projections leading me to a forceful, nonconsensual encounter. As a matter of self-preservation, I believe I have been rejecting introspection and self-development until my emotions evolve enough and trauma simmers enough that I can continue developing while accepting no matter what, I am not required to develop individually within the structures of that trauma source. I can engage with myself without fear because I have worked to establish dominance over certain internalized projections, such as my mother. I believe establishing dominance over this specific projection has proved difficult as I received this energetic mandate from my mother while in a heightened state of vulnerability that received this person’s word with the weight of receiving God’s word. Saying no to its authority induced the backlash one might experience from saying no to God. Effectively: I rejected someone else’s predetermination over my healing path. I feel confident doing such as it is still my goal to heal and develop. Were this not my goal, I would be much more vulnerable to relying on my predisposition to consumption for coping with reality.

This is important for me to talk about such that I make it clear to myself and my subconscious program that what I reject are the ethics of the psychological programming made available and accessible to me in a 12-step group, such as the one designed for alcohol-dependents. Due to my rejection of this group, my fear is that somewhere in the unconscious realm I include accountability, entirely, under the categorization of that group. As a result, I could be at risk of being less accountable. I do not desire this. I actually desire increased accountability. How do I ensure accountability remains an active goal of development while concurrently reinforcing and maintaining a rejection of that past source of trauma?

This perhaps brings up an interesting question around accountability, generally. In the context of that group, accountability refers to accountability around substances. I desire accountability not only around my consumption of substances, though also around being accountable for taking the action needed to achieve my goals. As such, I came to understand the concept of accountability in a very narrow sense, as it relates to substances, exclusively, whereas I want to understand accountability as a measure of my functionality, entirely, and therefore a measure of my operations across substances and goal setting.   

The purpose of my working through this with myself is to ensure I don’t carry my trauma forward in a way that  believes I am ineffective and incapable because I had the audacity to reject one source of support. Because I had the audacity to reject what others are forced to accept due to a lack of diversity in free mental health resources. This reasoning is a clear delineation from where feelings of shame and guilt emerge. What this messaging states is that I should feel guilty and settle because I feel bad for other people. And I simply choose not to do that.

I would like to reverse engineer the trauma such that I become someone who is entirely devoted to self-accountability. This devotion to myself would perhaps unbind the entire rejection of a group that practices foundational ethics, such that I can extract aspects I want to influence my existence moving forward while rejecting the rest.

I want to carry forward accountability, as this is an aspect of maturity required for daily operations and the fulfillment of objectives.

Why do I feel safe discussing this now?

My triggers seem to have decreased in intensity. For example, I can see the name of the group and not cringe in pain or terror – or, perhaps more accurately, I less intensely brace myself against the onslaught of knowing a wave of externally perceived internally experienced pressure looms and thus exist in a constant state of being ready to defend myself against externally-intuited internalized projections (that exist in an unconscious realm somewhere) that intend to project their will over my own with their proposition of manufacturing. I create a platform of validity to reject any and all projections without guilt or fear of retaliation. This is the confidence I feel in the aftermath of rejecting the projection, while still maintaining the ability to stay organized around my development, which the projection said I would not be able to experience.

It is perhaps the passage of time that has allowed me to see much of that trauma registers as threat. Given the relief from experiencing it and watching life go on and myself continue to develop, I perhaps experience less threat when I am triggered into seeing it in my environment or come across it in my writing, such that it has less and less power over me.

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